Machines hate me.

Bright and freakin’ early this morning, I finally got to do my Balance Testing (VNG) that was requested by Sinus Guy way back in January.

It would appear that my body, or at least my facial features, was not made for use with “white man’s machinery”. Yes, I know what I just said and I know what it implies in regards to The Hubbs!

To give examples of my inability to cooperate with ‘white standards’:

* Pulmonary Function Testing (PFT) — they give you this clip that you need to put on your nose so that all the air you expel goes through your mouth and into the breathing tubes that record all the measurements. My nose is too tiny to hold the clip in place (even for a pediatric clip!) so I have to resort to pinching my nose closed with my fingers.

* Nose pads on glasses — I have no noticeable nosebridge! The sheer effort it takes to get nosepads adjusted on my glasses is ridiculous. Thank god the owner of the glasses store I go to lived in Vancouver for a few years where most of her patients were Chinese… and “bridge-less”. I even get the teeny tiny little round bridge pads!

So that brings us to today. Basically what you do is you put on a pair of really stiff swim goggles that have cameras attached to the top of each lens. I dunno who designed the damn thngs or who they used as a facial model, but when I put them on, the space between the middle of each of my eyes didn’t even come close to touching the goggles. They were just hangin’ out in the middle of space.

…You know it’s going to be a great day of testing when…

Seeing my predicament, the tech realized we were going to have to do things the old fashioned way — by hooking up a whole bunch of sticky-backed electrodes to my face. Whatever they used to exfoliate, it’s gritty and it’s painful. There’s always a nice satisifying feeling you get from scrubbing your face with facial products with bits in it and then there’s sandpaper. It was exactly like being scrubbed with sandpaper. UGH.

Anyhow, the testing went along swimmingly until we got to the point where my ear drums were flushed with a 30 second jet of water. Attempt #1 (starting with the right ear) starting with warm water was within normal limits. Attempt #2 (on the left side, also with warm water) showed that there was a discrepancy in the amount of time I was dizzy, which meant we had to redo the tests again using cold water. And that’s when everything completely went to pot.

The irrigation machine was a rather old piece of equipment to begin with — the other ones in the facility don’t require you to constantly adjust the temperature or fill it with water every time it’s used, for the most part it’s calibrated for ease of use. Trying Round #3 (starting on left ear this time) with cold water test proved to be a huge failure. The machine didn’t work for the full 30 seconds and then the temperature went from cold to warm. We tried the cold water treatment twice on that left side before being told that it was a bust and I’d have to come back again to redo that portion of the testing.

I’m tired of testing and re-testing all the time. It sucks.

Tomorrow is Kidney Doc & Nurse Sandra.

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