Yesterday, if I am to use an expression often heard from Older Bro, sucked balls as most everyone knows by now.
It sucked huge and to make matters worse: I fucked up my elbow somehow last night. Argh.
Ordinarily speaking, my visits with Family Doc are a generally benign few hours, sometimes a slightly amusing time, that I look forward to that breaks up the monotony of being at home. I was slightly hungover yesterday when I went to do my monthly catch up with him and I guess it’s starting to show that SALLY is starting to wear at me again.
Our visits usually start off with some chit chat and what’s been going on in the “fun” aspects of life. In this case, it was the reminder of his love of the Shwartz’s t-shirt I got him from Montreal last summer and how everytime he wears it he thinks of me and when his next Montreal Smoked Meat Sandwich hit is gonna be. Yesterday, I presented him with the business card for Alberta King of Subs and the exciting news that they are open late and they’re open weekends. I think he did a little happy dance in his chair.
Anyhow, going over my notes, the last month has actually been rather shitty once I tally everything up. My list of topics to discuss, in no particular order:
* Back pain — oups. Nothing a couple of extra strength robaxisal won’t help with, paired with a nap and then a short walk around Costco.
* PAH study — RHC & parents not being cool with it.
* Lungs are good from Hawt Doc’s point of view.
* MRI was last Friday — will have appointment with Sinus Guy when results are in.
* June bloodwork results — Gluten findings?
* PAIN! LOTS OF PAIN!! MORE MEDS PLZKTHXBAI!
* Cough not going away — prolly from Altace still.
* Crazy hand spasms and body twitching — coming back in full force.
* Sweating uncontrollably — like a faucet and getting worse.
* Vomitting again — weeee…
* Polka dots are going crazy.
* Exhaustion to the Nth degree.
To make a long story short, once we started on the topic of the pain meds and it would appear that I’ve taken more of the Dilaudid in the last month than I have in 2-3 months combined, he was rather concerned. Neither of us wants me taking this sort of medication, especially in that quantity.
Pairing the pain with the return of the hardcore spasming, my June bloodwork results, the polka dots, vomiting, exhaustion and general feelings of blueness, he’s thinking that it might be time for me to go back to see Rheumy sooner, rather than later and discuss with her the need to keep me permanently on some sort of immune suppressant. Be it the Imuran or go back to the Cytoxan. My current appointment isn’t until September 15th and he doesn’t want me to wait that long to see her. He wants to nip this in the bud now before I get worse.
Apparently, that was a touchy subject for me yesterday. The reminder that an immune suppressant is pretty much one of the only ways to keep SALLY under control, put me into meltdown mode. He didn’t want to push me in any direction that I’m not comfortable with, but he did want me to be aware of what’s at stake here. I’m at the point where I can’t make decisions anymore with what to do with SALLY and I told him this. I’m just so tired of it and my brain completely blanks on what to do when faced with a decision to do what’s right — do I move forward, backward or stay put. I guess I’ve decided to stay put for the moment, given I have no real desire to see Rheumy any time soon.
I just don’t know if I could face the idea of having The Hubbs and my family go through another round of anything. Albeit, I suppose I am being selfish given I said yes to Hawt Doc’s PAH Study and that terrifies them all to bits. (Speaking of: CS Nurse called yesterday to see if we could book the RHC for August 27th and to call her back. Uhm… no, that’s a bad idea. That’s our wedding anniversary, thanks. I think I’d like to leave that occassion relatively stress free right now.)
After the meltdown, we moved onto a couple of final topics before I left the office for the day. The official decision has been made that I am no longer allowed to “optionally” take the Domperidone. My continuous barfing after every meal is just not allowed. We’ve had the barfing discussion periodically and we know I feel better with the Champagne meds — it’s no longer to be left on my list of “take whenever I feel like it”. So take the damn drugs and be done with it. I guess I sighed a tired and dejected drama llama sigh (I was pretty wiped out by that point) and he started laughing at me. He has deemed me cute.Way too cute. His words, not mine. I guess this whole SALLY thing is strenuous on both of us.
Thinking about the whole episode again early this morning, after only 2 hours of sleep (STUPID BLUE DONGS GAVE ME SEX DREAMS, DAMNIT!!), I don’t know if I would have had any less of a meltdown. It’s tremendously embarassing, but I guess it needed to be done. Family Doc knows I’ve put up with SALLY for as long as I can and this isn’t a walk in the park, as much as I try to fob off feeling okay, but it’s becoming visibly wearing especially when the pain meds are involved. I have a month to make a decision, if I can’t wait the month, I am more than welcome to call Family Doc and have his nurse get me an appointment with Rheumy ASAP. As an aside: Driving and melting down don’t really mix. Don’t cry & drive.
To add insult to injury, we got a phone call from MIL regarding our Little Boy’s status.
His parents have been advised to take him off life support. His scans show that he is severely brain damaged and the holes will not heal themselves. His organs are still only barely functional, at best.
His Grandfather and Aunt flew in yesterday from England. A&G will make their decision when they can.
Thank you, on behalf of The Hubbs, for everyone’s good thoughts this past week.