Yesterday was just a ridiculous day.
It started out shitty, literally, my toilet overflowed all over the floor and ended pissy…
Yesterday was the pre-requisite Explaining Pain class at the CPC.
I was in no mood to be attending after the crap-tastic cleaning up I had to do first thing in the morning and then just ended up feeling like a whole ball of angry bitterness.
I’ve already had my 24 hours to settle down after ranting with a good friend last night, and to The Hubbs this morning, and I’m kind of over it. Frustrated about the whole CPC thing still, but more level headed. I can’t even begin to explain how much frustration and bitterness I’m having over the CPC, and how much I hate feeling this way about the program. It almost feels like what I thought I was signing up for doesn’t exist.
All the rant has left me, so I don’t even know how to put into words what I’m feeling anymore. I do know that I’m feeling even more reluctant to be attending the Goals & Self-Management classes which I’m registered for. I feel like what I signed up for isn’t what’s being offered — I thought I was supposed to be taught skills to be able to better manage my pain and instead I’m stuck in a room full of (mostly) women who are all looking for a pat on the head and affirmation that what they’re not alone and their experience isn’t all in their heads. (Though according to yesterday’s lecture, technically pain is all in the head, but we won’t go into that.)
I just found it so difficult to be sitting in this room of women who were either dressed in their pyjamas or in a power suit, chattering back and forth about how relieved to have found that they weren’t the only one experiencing pain. Or when during the presentation, some point about the anatomy & physiology of pain, all these women would suddenly have this immediate Oprah-moment where they would all start frantically nodding and agreeing with each other about some tiny miniscule detail as being the be-all and end-all answer to their pain.
I just don’t belong there. I understand why, when I mentioned it to all my doctors that I was being seen by the CPC, a good portion of them would say, “UHm… yea. Good luck with that.” None gave a snarky manner, but they obviously knew to some degree that the CPC just wouldn’t be the right fit for my circumstances.
I just don’t know how long I should be attending before calling it quits. I want to give the program a chance, but it’s really starting to come to light that this is not the place for me. What I don’t want is for someone to come back and tell me that I failed because I didn’t give it my all. Call it some weird feeling of needing to please.
It’s just so mind-bogglingly frustrating.