Sad llama.

Today I had an appointment with the psychologist at the CPC.

I figured I would talk to her about my concerns that I have with taking the Self-Management class that starts next week for the next 8 weeks (though with a 2 week break for Christmas & New Years). Tell her about my reservations about attending and feeling obligated to talk about myself and/or my pain, my feelings, etc…

As I’ve mentioned before, I just don’t feel like this is necessarily the right place for me. I keep reiterating that over and over like a broken record, yet I’m still feeling a perverse need to continue on with the program and drag myself through all the recommended classes.

The meeting did not go according to plan. There were tears involved. I hate tears.

I have come to the conclusion that I do not like talking to strange psychologists about SALLY. She’s nice enough, the psychologist, but I find it to be a somewhat stunted conversation experience. I don’t know what I was suppposed to expect out of the meeting, but it just left me feeling tired, sad and drained.

We started off the appointment by going over the letter that she & the CPC Doc wrote as follow-up for Fam Doc, dated October 7th. I have a copy of it in my posession and we read through it together. It’s an upsetting piece of work to have to read. I am a sad, sad, sad bundle of llama.

It’s the psychological history, when written on paper and staring me in the face, that upsets me the most: She only shares her deeply intimate thoughts and worries on her blog and with her chat line connections. She does not share her grief or despair with family and friends. She states that she prefers to hide these distressing thoughts and emotions. Further, she shares that initially following her diagnoses, she thought she had about six years to live and now feels that she has wasted these last six years simply surviving and is in a place where she feels she has no purpose and is useless. She states that she probably has at least ten years of functional life and would like to find some way to use this better and to feel more connected and alive.

While accurate, it’s not 100% correct, given I do share information with a very select, few number of friends. Very select and very few.

Basically what it boiled down to was that I have some unresolved sadness issues because of SALLY. I can’t even think of a snarky come back to that other than, way to state the obvious. Having as many chronic conditions as I do, can one honestly think I could be anything but sad about the uncontrollable existance of SALLY?

The treatment plan from the CPC Doc reads thusly: We will begin to address her sleep quality, which is likely to contribute to improvements in pain processing and quality of life issues. She will meet with the psychologist to further discuss the impact of the pain on her life and her coping strategies, support system, etc. She will also be encouraged to attend pertinent groups for education. Further medical management will follow.

Yea, that’s all I can think to write. Even my abilities to write about the CPC are challenging me, it seems.