Still gooey…

Isn’t that a wonderful mental picture?

Yea, I’m still gooey — my nose, primarily but also my chest to some degree. Not a lot, only when I wake up in the morning or after a nap, but it’s still pretty nasty.

I only mention this because tomorrow is going to be kind of a sucky day for me. I have that CT Scan with contrast and then a blood gas afterwards. I don’t actually see Hawt Doc until Wednesday afternoon. It was kind of weird the way things got booked this time around.

I’m not terribly thrilled with the idea of being stabbed twice in one day, but I guess there’s not much that can be done when you take the only appointments available. As I was saying to The Hubbs, it might be kind of nice to find out if my oxygen levels have dropped, only because then perhaps the government might be more willing to pay for my oxygen… but it’s really NOT a good thing, because then it means that things are going downhill. Such a stupid way of having to think of things. *sigh*

So yea, I’m tired and I’m gooey.

As an aside, I’ve been thinking long and hard about a couple of things this weekend. Since I had nothing else to do but try and sleep lots, drink lots of fluids & vitamin C, and try breathing like a normal human being, some of my time was spent on Saturday watching TV. Something I hadn’t done in forever. I ended up catching a stupid infomercial partway through its advertisment and now I’ve been thinking long and hard about my state of being. I have been more unhappy with myself, for at least the better part of a year to a year and a half. I want to make solid changes in my life to lose weight, eat better and I guess this is, indeed, how infomercials suck you in.

The interesting thing about this program is that it takes into consideration people with hypoglycemia issues, diabetes, food allergies and a few other health conditions and how to customize the plan for those situations, which is why I’ve been pondering this all weekend. I know that these changes require strict adherance to their plans and I know I’m not good at following rules like that. But I’m thinking that perhaps this would at least give me a good foundation and roadmap to start with.

I’ve been contemplating making a lifestyle change for awhile now and The Hubbs is behind me 100% if this is what I want to do and if I think it will help. We’ve discussed making solid eating changes for at least a good couple of years, but never truly implemented them because I didn’t know where to start. Obviously with my doing all the cooking, it will be slanted towards what I will need nutritionally and The Hubbs will be along for the ride, making changes to whatever I prepare to make his meals more palatable. There’s basically a no salt, no sugar, no fats and no wheat during the first 6 weeks of this plan (possibly throughout the entire time that you’re in the weight loss phase, but I don’t know since I haven’t actually purchased anything) and then things are slowly added back into your diet in moderation once you’ve hit the point where you’re maintaining your weight loss.

I have my doubts, I have my skepticism and I have lots of worry. I always worry. I’m scared that if I take on something like this, it won’t work and it will backfire and then I’ll gain another 20+ pounds in the process. That’s my biggest worry. I don’t want to be in this body. I don’t want to be stuck in a body that’s unhealthily fat on top of being stuck with SALLY. I know that if I start this, the weight that will be coming off to begin with will be all water weight, it’s getting past that point and continuing on and muscling through while I’m feeling discouraged that will be the challenge. I know that being abnormal will make any lifestyle change a completely different experience, I’m just hoping that perhaps if nothing else, it will get me doing the basics a little better.

All the negativity surrounding buying into a program like this, especially coming from an infomercial, is raging its ugly head. There’s so much that could make me fail, so many people that could wag a finger at me saying that I should just be a grown up by watching what I eat, do my exercise and drink lots of water. So many things that could be said to dissuade me from doing this. Maybe that’s the problem? I haven’t the ability to be a grown up. Perhaps I need the guidance and instruction? I’m not trying to find an excuse for failure. I WANT SOMETHING TO WORK. Maybe I’m just looking for someone to tell me, without harsh criticism and judgement, that they’ll help me do this if I take it on and not belittle me for the choice I make. Because really? Everything feels really shameful right now. Adding to the fact that my help may be coming from an infomercial makes things that much more humiliating.


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