Dreaming of the Queen, visiting for tea…

Name that tune.

*ahem*

So, last night was D&D. The Hubbs and I had a fun night out and dinner was pretty darn yummy to boot. It’s nice and super generous that J & Miss R always provide everyone with dinner — I’ve said this before, the least I can do is bring some homemade treats and hope that there are some leftovers for them to nibble on for another day or two after our gaming night.

Last night we had homemade lamb burgers with pita bread and all the fixings — hummus, tzatziki and greek salad. Super yum. I think the ingredients for the lamb burgers were parsley, cilantro, paprika, salt, pepper, onions, garlic and….? That was the gyst of it, at least. They were grilled on the BBQ and so incredibly juicy. I was seriously impressed.

Before we got to J & R’s though, The Hubbs & I were talking on our drive over (a rather short drive mind you, they only live about 20 minutes away in “bad” traffic) about some rather thinky thoughts.

The night before, we got a visit from a friend of The Hubbs’ and post-visit just made for a rather miserable evening for me. The often parroted and enthusiastic declaration of “You should go do [fill in
the blank] and live your life! You never know, you could get sick and die tomorrow!”
just made me so upset. Unfortunately for me, most people don’t actually connect the dots in their heads and realize that the last statement is my reality and is a very real and scary possibility compared to a normal healthy person. I don’t expect total strangers to know this about me, but friends that we’ve known for many, many years? I do expect a little forthought.

Being so blazé, and a comment seemingly so insightful to most people, is supremely hurtful and just another reminder of all the things I am incapable of doing due to my health. Not only that, but when saying it to me because you just bought yourself a brand new (to you) Porsche Boxter-S, in the face of what The Hubbs & I are dealing with everyday, it’s in really poor form and bad taste. Never mind that financially, those big dreams we, too, would like to have, are totally out of our reach.

So that brings us to last night.

While we were sitting at an intersection, we saw this SUV with a small little trailer hitched up to it, carrying a bizzarre collection of items. It didn’t look like it was capable of carrying the items that it did, but it seemed perfectly fine. What surprised us was that the SUV was actually hitched up to the back of one of those huge monster-sized motor homes. We’re talking the ones that are the size of a greyhound bus! It was actually kind of odd seeing the trailer, hooked up to the SUV, hooked up to the motor home. Seemed like it would be a rather unstable way of transporting that much stuff.

That got The Hubbs thinking: Wouldn’t it be nice if we just sold our house, took a year or two off, bought a big motor home like that and took the kitties with us to travel across Canada? We could even hitch the little Smart car up to the back and still have the ability to roam freely in small towns and cities without a lumbering beast motor home as our only mode of transportation. We could drive from coast to coast and see all those places I’ve always wanted to visit like the Maritimes, the Yukon & North West Territories, Alaska, down the West Coast and maybe even into the States.

…And I could be the one sending postcards to friends for once…

It just made me so sad because I don’t know that we could even make that idea into a reality. Figuring out all the logistics involved with how we would get oxygen accessible for me on a continuous basis, how I would bring that much medication with me, how often I would have to come back into town to visit all my doctors or what we would do if I should get sick and we’re (obviously) not close to home, those are just the tip of the iceburg in terms of things we’d need to be considering.

People that keep saying things like, “Life’s short! You should do what makes you happy! You never know….”, I just wish they would realize that it really doesn’t work that way for some of us.

I CAN’T travel to another or across country. Some days, I can’t even sit in the car for an hour that it takes us to get out of the city.
I CAN’T sit in a movie theatre on opening night. Some days, I can’t even cuddle in bed to watch tv or listen to the radio.
I CAN’T enjoy being in a hot tub or sauna. Some days, I can’t even sit in the bath tub.
I CAN’T enjoy a good stiff drink. Some days, I can’t even keep a small meal down.

What can I do?

I can sit on my laptop, in my kitchen and I can talk to friends who don’t even live in the same country as I do.
I can cook a meal for The Hubbs or my family that we can all enjoy together.
I can bake cakes, cookies and breads for my friends to show them how much I care.
I can preserve jars of sweet things to be enjoyed and occassionally gifted to those that appreciate the hard work it takes to make them.
I can have a dinner out with The Hubbs to celebrate nothing.
I can get surpremely excited over the fact that I have a new way of preserving food so we can have homecooked meals on hand.
I can spend a night with friends playing D&D, laughing at the fact my 3″ tall gnome jester can be a formidable opponent against a giant.
I can happily spend the night in bed reading while The Hubbs sits right beside me playing WoW. (usually)
I can bake The Hubbs’ favourite treats so he has snacks for work almost every day.
I can lament over how spoiled my kitties are when they choose to take my pillow as their own bed every night and get a blanket to boot.

So no, my life is not exciting in your eyes. I can’t travel like I so desperately want to. I can’t spend money on that big ticket item like I would love to. Some days I can’t even get out of bed long enough to eat and unload the dishwasher.

I just wish people would understand that I want to do all those things that they keep telling me I should just go do. Saying“There’s always someone out there that’s worse off and they can find ways to do it!” does not suddenly make a lightbulb go off in my head and motivate me to think that if they can do it, I can do it. The reality is that I can’t.

So please, stop reminding me.

It just makes me feel worse about my (in)abilities than I already do.

xoxoxo

 

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