I don’t know what to say.
Gramma passed away, at the age of 103, on Saturday afternoon. She lived a long, full and I hope a relatively happy life with what I am hoping very little, to no suffering at the end.
Mom flew into Montreal on Friday and saw Gramma, Dad flew out this morning super early but had a layover in Toronto and unfortunately didn’t make it in time to be with them.
I’m kind of a big ball of sadness, frustration, hurt, confusion and loss all at the same time because my parents, and it would seem my brothers, don’t want me to fly out to Montreal for the funeral to be with everyone. I’m kind of all hurt and sad and confused as to whether or not I should even be “allowed” to feel like this.
It just feels so unfair that everyone else can be normal and do normal shit like go to Montreal for Gramma’s funeral at the drop of a hat and no one will question or argue about it, but if I ever wanna do… well.. anything it’s always met with such an incredible amount of resistance.
The thing is, there’s not a lot I actually CAN do while I’m in Montreal to help my parents other than get in the way… which is probably very much something my parents DON’T need to have to deal with while Mom’s grieving and trying to work through all the funeral arrangements with her family.
And now that I have to deal with the freaking oxygen shit, getting all my proverbial duckies in a row before I can even set foot in an airport is ridiculous. It just adds that much more junk I have to drag around with me. It’s bad enough that I need to get all my junk in order for our trip in May, never mind if I want to do something resembling last minute anything, which would require either flying or border crossing.
This is going to sound really childish and/or selfish: it’s not fair that I have to be left out of so much family stuff all the time. Like Japan. Daddy was really sad that I couldn’t make that trip to with them and Baby Bro way back when, the annual trips to Montreal to see Gramma would have been nice to do with them every year, now this… Not that this is even remotely considered a pleasure trip, but it’s not fair that there’s always so much going against me when it comes to family, fun (and not so fun, obviously) and stuff. The Hubbs thinks I should go. He says that unless my parents expressly say they don’t want me to go, and after discussing it I decide then if ~I~ need to go for me, then we’ll get me there no matter what.
The other thing is that this is going to be so expensive. We’re supposed to be saving all our pennies for when we go to Alaska and as it stands, even though there’s a spring break seat sale on, I only have a one-way ticket booked for Tuesday morning with nothing yet planned for coming home but know I need to be home at the latest Sunday because I have an appointment with Fam Doc on the following Monday. I just feel like I’m being let down and I’m letting everyone else down.
I am unhappily starting to realize that in the end, even if I did go to Montreal, I would be an incredible burden and added stress to everyone at a time when absolutely no one needs more of it. I have 24 hours from my booking to make a final decision with Mom & Dad to cancel without any fees or whatnot.
Being an adult, having to make adult decisions like this, sucks.