Fam Doc Appointment…

So yesterday was my monthly appointment with Fam Doc.

*sigh*

It didn’t go even remotely close to the direction that I had hoped for — because of the weather, I was totally Moosed up and couldn’t drive myself and so had to get Mom & Dad to take me. Bummed me right out. I actually look forward to my appointments with Fam Doc because 90% of the time I have the ability to go on my own and the visits are generally a nice excursion, so to speak.

Yesterday, was not so much. As soon as he walked in the door, he paused and looked at me and said, "How’re you doing? You’re not looking as good as last time I saw you."

That’s never a good sign. If Fam Doc, who sees me once a month without fail, says I am not looking good there’s something up and most likely whatever Hawt Doc’s on the lookout for is most likely presenting itself more visibly than I originally thought. He said I was pretty puffy looking and my skin condition’s looking a little weird/off. Not normal, I guess.

What came about the whole visit was that he thinks Sally is in flareup mode and if Hawt Doc’s got all these tests booked for the next week and some, there is definitely something going on. Having said that, he also thinks that my redonkulous amounts of pain from the last month and some is very much a product of Sally’s temper tantrum flaring. *sigh*
Somehow, I don’t know how it happened, but we spent an entire hour talking about:
a) my pain
b) my Moose useage
c) what our other options are, if there are any, anymore
d) surprise to me: the scared feelings and anxiety that I have of the Moose useage being as high as it is.

We’ve often visited this conversation in its various permutations and combinations. I am still (and have always been) less than thrilled at the fact that I am taking some pretty hardcore pain meds. The fact that as time goes by I am increasing both my baseline meds as well as my fast-acting stuff leaves me feeling rather scared and to some degree extremely vulnerable.

As it stands currently, I am sitting at probably one of the highest thresholds for pain medications that Fam Doc’s comfortable prescibling for. He has lots of experience with patients dealing with chronic pain and this isn’t really the problem, what is, however, is dealing with Sally. That’s where things become slightly murky and uncertain. Just to clear things up a smidgen, and we’ve both come this agreement, if I am in pain and the Moose is what helps for me to live a more comfortable existance which increases my quality of life, then he has no issues with prescribing the pain medications I need.

What we’re both extremely concerned about is: at what point does the amount of the Moose become extreme and dangerous? At what point in time have I become over-medicated? Where is that "line" which defines too much and not enough especially when dealing with a progressive disease like Sally which is what is causing all the problems to begin with?

Are there any more options out there for us? It’s not like we haven’t tried other avenues for pain management. We’ve had this discussion so many times and he’s at a loss. The reality is that if my liver is starting to have problems due to the immuno-suppressants, and as much as I dislike admitting Mom may be right, there is probably a very good likelihood that The Moose isn’t making my liver very happy either.

So Fam Doc is going to call the CPC to see if he can’t talk one of the specialists into seeing me without having to go through the assinine admitting process of the CPC again. No educational classes, no psychiatrists, no stupid group sessions where I have to listen to a bunch of other people dealing with chronic pain recount their own tales of woe while bawling their eyes out in front of complete strangers. All he wants is for a Pain Specialist to see me or at the very least, throw him a bone as to what we can do under his care if I can’t see anybody.

We also discovered during our talk is that I am scared. I am scared of being at a point where we won’t be able to prescribe anything for me and I will be in constant pain with no relief to be had. Or I’m in a position where I won’t be able to get access to my pain medication in a timely fashion because I am in an uncontrollable situation — like being admitted to the hospital, which is the example I gave Fam Doc, and it’s a scary experience which I’ve already had to deal with once before and I really would care not to do it again.

I already dislike the fact that I am in a position where some (okay, one) of my doctors raise an eyebrow as to whether or not I actually "need" to be taking the drugs that I am on because let’s face it: I’m taking a fuck-ton of medication and there is a very high likelihood that they might think that I am abusing it.

That’s the hardest thing — pain is not a visible symptom and chronic pain is even harder for people to understand if they’ve never experienced it before, either first-hand or even by someone near and dear to them. *sigh* And now I am starting to sound like one of "those people" that tries to explain why a normal person just can’t understand the situation unless they’ve been in the same position. I hate that. Blech.

So that’s it, that’s what happened.

I have another appointment booked in 2 weeks time after I’ve done all my tests for Hawt Doc and then we’ll see if Fam Doc managed to come up with anything by then.

As for today, I did my PFTs and for some reason I’ve been having an absolute monster of a time trying to breathe. I don’t know if it’s the crazy Chinook that Calgary’s experiencing or what. Breathing is hard and my chest is not feeling at all good. It honestly feels like I’m not taking in any air for some reason and it’s quite a scary feeling.

Let’s hope that tomorrow’s a better day, as The Hubbs tries to remind me.

*sigh*

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I quit.

I finally made the decision — I quit the CPC.

It really just wasn’t working for me. The anger that I got from attending all the classes was just ridiculous.

Plus I was kind of uncomfortable with the team I had. The physician, was okay as far as doctors go, at least he understood the concept of pain, but I didn’t care for my nurse (who, btw, also happens to be one of Calgary’s Aldermen… yea, try that one on for size) and once I met with the Psychologist in private, I wasn’t comfortable with her either.

So that’s that.

I still have the Self-Management handbook, so it wasn’t a complete loss and waste of time (and parking money). I can technically still do self-management stuff in my own time, just not have to subject myself to weekly group sessions with people talking about and crying about their pain issues.

I just had a moment…

Well.. sorta.

I’m being “bad” right now — I’m reading the CPC Self-Management Group Handbook in advance. *shame on me!*

I’ve bounced along a few sessions ahead and I’ve come across the Big Skill #2 topic of the day: Pacing.

According to the handbook:

Pacing is a way to organize and do tasks that are important to you. It involves a careful balance of rest with activity and heavier tasks with lighter ones. Pacing is based partly on a concept called energy conservation. A special kind of pacing is called shaping. It can help you increase your tolerance for a specific activity once your daily & weekly pacing schedules are established.

Energy Conservation has been used for many years by people with chronic diseases. The thought is that people with chronic diseases have limited energy, so they tire out easily. By plnning their schedules carefully and using certain approaches, they can make the best use of their energy. The idea is to work smarter, not harder!

Well damnit, if they had started me off with a refresher on Pacing from a chronic disease/illness standpoint, I would probably be not be dealing with all the anger and frustration with being at the CPC!

A lightbulb just went off in my head… it kinda popped actually, with that audible *POP!* and *POUF!* sound. (Yes, my brain makes pop & pouf noises.) The included information about pacing from a CHRONIC DISEASE standpoint made my brain totally click for some reason. I don’t know what the rest of the book is gonna do for me, but I suddenly just had a moment where I could tangibly measure a way of doing stuff that is applicable to my life.

I hate to say this, but I think I might be better suited to attending a Chronic illness/diseases group as opposed to Chronic Pain.

Question is, once again, should I continue with the CPC now that I’ve come to this realisation?

Self-Management #1 (SM)

Well yesterday was… interesting.

I am still reserving judgement, but I didn’t have nearly the same massive amounts of anger while attending the SM class that I did the rest of the programs thus far.

I think some of it might have to do with the fact that 2 of the women in the class are on the younger side (older than me still, as far as I can guess, late 30’s maybe? I suck at judging age) and are intelligent enough to have relatively productive group conversations, seeing as they are (were) both nurses. Unfortunately they both had to quit work due to their pain issues.

I’ve been able to relate most to what these two women had been saying during the class far more than the remaining 4 older women who are more retirement age, including a lady in her 70’s.

I am still not pleased about the needing to share ideas in a “non-threatening non-forceful way” which is a bit of a lie on their part. Even though they say if you’re not comfortable sharing, you don’t have to, they always inadvertently single you out if you haven’t said anything for awhile, asking, “any ideas you wanna share with the group?”

Oddly enough, as much as I disliked this “facilator” running the Explaining Pain workshop, she works pretty well in a small interactive group setting… I just don’t like being excessively poked and prodded with a stick. But again, I think part of the reason is because she’s also working with two women who are well versed in describing things in great detail verbally, as opposed to the older women who are by the way, just as verbal, just not quite on the same level if that makes sense.

The other thing is the homework. I gotz me some hoemwoerk to dos. I have to start a pain diary. Speaking of, I should do this morning’s entry. Hold on just a sec… okay, that was uneventful.

So yea, homework and mindfulness task for this week… weeeee…

Sad llama.

Today I had an appointment with the psychologist at the CPC.

I figured I would talk to her about my concerns that I have with taking the Self-Management class that starts next week for the next 8 weeks (though with a 2 week break for Christmas & New Years). Tell her about my reservations about attending and feeling obligated to talk about myself and/or my pain, my feelings, etc…

As I’ve mentioned before, I just don’t feel like this is necessarily the right place for me. I keep reiterating that over and over like a broken record, yet I’m still feeling a perverse need to continue on with the program and drag myself through all the recommended classes.

The meeting did not go according to plan. There were tears involved. I hate tears.

I have come to the conclusion that I do not like talking to strange psychologists about SALLY. She’s nice enough, the psychologist, but I find it to be a somewhat stunted conversation experience. I don’t know what I was suppposed to expect out of the meeting, but it just left me feeling tired, sad and drained.

We started off the appointment by going over the letter that she & the CPC Doc wrote as follow-up for Fam Doc, dated October 7th. I have a copy of it in my posession and we read through it together. It’s an upsetting piece of work to have to read. I am a sad, sad, sad bundle of llama.

It’s the psychological history, when written on paper and staring me in the face, that upsets me the most: She only shares her deeply intimate thoughts and worries on her blog and with her chat line connections. She does not share her grief or despair with family and friends. She states that she prefers to hide these distressing thoughts and emotions. Further, she shares that initially following her diagnoses, she thought she had about six years to live and now feels that she has wasted these last six years simply surviving and is in a place where she feels she has no purpose and is useless. She states that she probably has at least ten years of functional life and would like to find some way to use this better and to feel more connected and alive.

While accurate, it’s not 100% correct, given I do share information with a very select, few number of friends. Very select and very few.

Basically what it boiled down to was that I have some unresolved sadness issues because of SALLY. I can’t even think of a snarky come back to that other than, way to state the obvious. Having as many chronic conditions as I do, can one honestly think I could be anything but sad about the uncontrollable existance of SALLY?

The treatment plan from the CPC Doc reads thusly: We will begin to address her sleep quality, which is likely to contribute to improvements in pain processing and quality of life issues. She will meet with the psychologist to further discuss the impact of the pain on her life and her coping strategies, support system, etc. She will also be encouraged to attend pertinent groups for education. Further medical management will follow.

Yea, that’s all I can think to write. Even my abilities to write about the CPC are challenging me, it seems.

Food for thought.

Yesterday was the appointment with the CPC Dietician.

It was a rather fun-filled hour with the lady, compared to the rest of my appointments — but I think that has something more to do with the fact that the lady was super friendly & funny.

It was also kind of nice to have gone in and she’d already experienced someone with scleroderma & swallowing issues. I guess the team’s biggest concern was that I’m not absorbing enough nutrients with the small quantities I consume at meals and when I keep barfing stuff up after eating.

According to the Dietician, compared to other patients with chronic pain, I’m doing pretty awesome — I have a regular eating schedule, I eat smaller meals at mealtime, I take supplements and have a can of Ensure daily (well… except weekends). Yes, she said she could get nit-picky about my diet, like there’s not a lot of variety, could use more fibre to deal with the constipation issues, eat more in the fruits & veg department but really, as far as she’s concerned, if I can keep some things down that I eat and maybe consider the idea of taking an Omega-3 supplement on top of my current multi-vit, calcium, vit.D & magnesium cocktail, I’m doing alright.

She couldn’t really come up with any brilliant suggestions beyond what I’m already doing mainly because I’ve already pretty much established what I can or can’t comfortably consume. For example, when talking about adding fruit to my daily food intake, we discussed that it would basically end up being an entire meal for me because my stomach can’t accomodate much more volume than what is a normal sized apple, or pear or plum. When given those two options, she would rather I skip the fruit and have my normal mini meal instead because basically it’s a difference between eating sugar & fibre (in the case of the fruit) or a bit of fibre, calcium and protein (in the case of a small sammich).

But having said that, maybe I could try incorporating a smoothie into my day for extra calories/fruit/fibre — it would give me some fruit, some fibre, some calcium and if I added a protein powder or something, that pretty much makes it a decent meal for someone like me even if it takes me more than 2 hours to consume. I could also be adding things like flax seed to baked goods, not that I generally eat the stuff I bake, but I it would definitely benefit The Hubbs’ diet since he’s been recommended to significantly up his water & fibre intakes.

Really, I think the only positive change we could come up with was to try and add more fruit & fibre to my eating, even if it’s in the formed of apple sauce or canned fruit cups. I guess when your body’s not normal, all the rules go out the window and you take what you can get, how you can, in any form you imagineable o_O

The only other thing we touched on was my weight gain, since that’s been the biggest issue on my mind. The Dietitician thinks it’s gotta be all the meds in some way, shape or form that’s causing the weight gain. Calorically, I’m not eating a lot to begin with and if I’m barfing up at least 1 meal a day, that’s even less calories consumed than when originally calculated so there is the possibility that my body may be thinking it’s in starvation mode — meaning that I’m generally eating so few calories that my body’s hording everything I consume because it’s scared I won’t be eating again for a long time. I asked if I added to my diet one smoothie a day into my eating would it make me fatter. She doesn’t know for sure, but it would definitely help to get more good stuff into me if I don’t barf it up, unlike a lot of other things.

Apparently a lot of the CPC patients have a problem of eating extremely irregularly, if at all, because of their pain — some of them gorge one large meal a day starting a 4pm and that’s it for their sustenance and usually it ends up being complete crap like 3 big mac meals from McD’s or something. Admittedly, I’m also not as physically active as I could be, but since the goal of the CPC to getting patients active isn’t so much to prep them to become marathon runners or anything like that, it’s just to get them onto the path of mobility and maintenance to have a better quality of life. So the energy expenditures are rather low.

So yea, yesterday still left me with typical day of “I’m sorry, I don’t know what to tell you. You already know what’s going on with your body and what you can or can’t handle… so yea, sorry.”

She did give me a couple of handouts, just so she wouldn’t feel badly about not having given me any information at all to take home to mull over. One is on Omega-3’s and the other on Non-Obstructing/Modified Fibre Diet Guidlines.

The Omega-3 handout wasn’t particularly interesting: up my intake of fish, which I totally would if I had unlimited funds to pay for sashimi. Change my regular eggs to Omega-3s, use canola oil for cooking, use a canola oil based margarine spread like becel (ew ew ew) for toast, and maybe add some ground flax seed to the stuff I bake. Out of that list, I’m thinking only 3-4/5 of that list is realistic for me…. the becel margarine spread just makes me ill and I really have no idea how The Hubbs can stomach eating it :x

Reading the Modified Fibre Diet sheet, it’s kind of interesting. Everything on this sheet is totally against what Canada’s Health Food Guide recommends for healthy eating: Choose refined breads and cereals, canned or cooked fruit without skins, well-cooked and canned veggies, cooked potatoes and yams without skins, well cooked tender meat, poultry and eggs, creamy nut butters, fish & seafood (except shrimp). Avoid any breads containing cracked wheat, multigrain, bran, whole seeds, nuts or raw/dried fruit like raisins. Avoid wild rice, stringy fruit, peels of fruits with tough skins like apples, pears & grapes, membranes of citrus fruits, fruits with small seeds like kiwi, figs & berries, drid fruit. Avoid raw veggies, leafy veggies, veggies with small seeds like tomatoes, cukes, zucchini, stringy veggies, tough skins/outer coatings like peas, pea pods, corn green/red peppers, eggplants, mushrooms. Avoid tough fibrous, gristly meats, shrimp, nuts & seeds, dried beans, peas. Other things to avoid: popcorn, coconut, olives, pickles, relish, dried fruit candies, jams with seeds.

That’s a heckuva lot of stuff to avoid and miss out on in the food world. Of course, as with everything, if my body can handle any of the “avoid” list, I’m more than a-okay to go ahead and continue eating them. But if there are some things I can’t eat, there are the alternatives.. and in this case, the alternatives make me sad thinking about eating things like soggy canned vegetables, like green beans, a la MIL.

I will try and change my diet some.

Not drastically, since that’s been pretty much a bust everytime I try to instill some new hardcore regime like having a salad with dinner every single night, but perhaps little bits as they feel right.

Maybe I will start with buying those Omega-3 eggs, and try eating oatmeal once or twice a week made horchata-style and adding a small bit of ground flax meal to the pot. If I could convince The Hubbs that we need to go out for sushi so I can get my Omega-3 levels topped up, you think he’d go with that? ;D

And maybe I can try adding a smoothie into my daily intake of foods… it might mean we’ll have to start adding soymilk, bananas, fruity yoghurt, chocolate syrup and peanut butter to the grocery list on a more regular occassion.

We’ll see how it goes… baby steps… baby steps.

In the meantime, this was breakfast:

Horchata Oatmeal
2 1/4 cups horchata made with milk
1/2 cup steel-cut oats

In a small pot, bring horchata to a boil.
Add oatmeal and turn down heat to simmer, stirring occassionally.
Cook for 20-25 minutes and serve.

Not being a huge oatmeal lover, this was pretty darn awesome for the first significantly snowy day of winter ^_^

Oh and guess what? MY LITTLE CAR IS FINALLY READY!!! I get to bring Eggnog home tonight! :D

In the meantime, we’re at T-Minus 45 minutes until the Oxygen Peeps show up at my front door.

*worries*

Long Friday was long…

Yesterday was just a ridiculous day.

It started out shitty, literally, my toilet overflowed all over the floor and ended pissy…

*sigh*

Yesterday was the pre-requisite Explaining Pain class at the CPC.

I was in no mood to be attending after the crap-tastic cleaning up I had to do first thing in the morning and then just ended up feeling like a whole ball of angry bitterness.

I’ve already had my 24 hours to settle down after ranting with a good friend last night, and to The Hubbs this morning, and I’m kind of over it. Frustrated about the whole CPC thing still, but more level headed. I can’t even begin to explain how much frustration and bitterness I’m having over the CPC, and how much I hate feeling this way about the program. It almost feels like what I thought I was signing up for doesn’t exist.

All the rant has left me, so I don’t even know how to put into words what I’m feeling anymore. I do know that I’m feeling even more reluctant to be attending the Goals & Self-Management classes which I’m registered for. I feel like what I signed up for isn’t what’s being offered — I thought I was supposed to be taught skills to be able to better manage my pain and instead I’m stuck in a room full of (mostly) women who are all looking for a pat on the head and affirmation that what they’re not alone and their experience isn’t all in their heads. (Though according to yesterday’s lecture, technically pain is all in the head, but we won’t go into that.)

I just found it so difficult to be sitting in this room of women who were either dressed in their pyjamas or in a power suit, chattering back and forth about how relieved to have found that they weren’t the only one experiencing pain. Or when during the presentation, some point about the anatomy & physiology of pain, all these women would suddenly have this immediate Oprah-moment where they would all start frantically nodding and agreeing with each other about some tiny miniscule detail as being the be-all and end-all answer to their pain.

I just don’t belong there. I understand why, when I mentioned it to all my doctors that I was being seen by the CPC, a good portion of them would say, “UHm… yea. Good luck with that.” None gave a snarky manner, but they obviously knew to some degree that the CPC just wouldn’t be the right fit for my circumstances.

I just don’t know how long I should be attending before calling it quits. I want to give the program a chance, but it’s really starting to come to light that this is not the place for me. What I don’t want is for someone to come back and tell me that I failed because I didn’t give it my all. Call it some weird feeling of needing to please.

It’s just so mind-bogglingly frustrating.

*sigh*

I seem to be having some serious problems regulating my body temperature with the anti-d’s and I’m not pleased about it. Waking up 2-3x/night because I’m sopping wet isn’t fun :(

I am starting to have my doubts of if all this playing with my meds is worth it in the end since my pain isn’t improving any, and is in fact becoming more problematic in the Moose department… I’ve increased the doseage from 16mg to 20mg. As a frame of reference — my long acting stuff has a total doseage of 12mg/2xday, so I’m taking almost the equivalent of a full day’s worth in one go every night :(

I am completely soaked through front and back. It only started getting worse when I started the anti-d’s a month ago and the CPC-Doc said he wasn’t surprised when I mentioned it to him last week, just like he wasn’t surprised that I was getting muscle spasms/cramps in my calves when I walk/climb stairs/stretch in bed/etc… not impressed. ¬_¬

I’m trying to decide if “sleeping” is outweighing the craptastic side effects of taking the anti-d’s. Taking them twice a night I dunno if it’s helping or not since I’ve also had to jack up the Moose which is now making me feel awful in the mornings. I’m still trying to not feel like crap right now.

I dunno anymore.

I’m incredibly fat and ugly, I’m not regulating body temp well, I’ve got muscle spasms like I did when I was on chemo & mass quantities of prednisone, my pain’s increased and the people at the CPC are happy about all this? :(

I see Fam Doc next week, I’ll see what he says — The Hubbs is actually going to be at the appointment with me cuz he has a physical booked. Hawt Doc I see on Wednesday of this week and I have to be at the PLC at 730am… I still don’t understand why people book appointments that early! My breathing has been sucking for the last few months, too. Meaning, I’m having problems breathing something fierce. I would like an Oxygen tank, but I know that I’m still not sick enough to warrant that.

It’s also that time of year (between Thanksgiving & Christmas) where something goes wrong. I’m trying to figure out if this is it. *double sigh*

Oh did I mention that the site where I had the flu shot last Monday blew up like a giant welt where it was all hot and angry and itchy?? The lump is still there, but smaller, and it still hurts a smidge to touch and a little warm, but it doesn’t look nearly as awful as it did last week o_O it was a really weird reaction.

CPC Follow-up

SO. Basically this was an appointment to see how the anti-d’s are going for my sleep.

At the moment, I’m getting on average 3-4 hours of straight sleep before I usually wake up to pee around 1am and then my brain wakes up for another 3-4 hours before I crash out again. So now what they want me to do is to take the anti-d’s twice a day – once at bedtime and once in the middle of the night, at a lower doseage: 50mg when I get up to pee at night along with the 75mg I take at bedtime.

PLUS I have to add magnesium to both doses because it might to help to make me even ~more~ sreepy… cuz I didn’t already feel like a drug addict as it is ;P

Right.

So that’s pretty much that. I’m still a little perturbed about the Doctor & Nurse that I have, but I don’t know if that’s just because of the over-all feel of the place and them wanting to be all understanding and “we know what you’re going through! We can help you!” type attitude or what… They are really pleased that I’m already set up to take the goals and self-management workshops. I, on the other hand, am not. Looks like in the meantime, I have to do a little bit of reading up on “sleep hygiene” stuff so I can get some mind boggling insight into something I may not already be aware of. Not likely gonna happen, but fine, I will do so.

Apparently they’re all into me I already keeping some form of “journal”, but when I had mentioned my blog, CPC-Doc kind of got all paranoid for a minute and actually said out loud, “Uhh.. could you not use my name in any of the entries you write about me?”

Seriously? Anyhow, he was supremely relieved that I told him that I never use anyone’s real names on LJ when I write about my goings on…

So yea, that’s that.

Beginning of hell has begun until the beginning of February :/

Come to the Dark Side…

Fam Doc amuses me.

We have a pretty comfortable relationship and as such, we tend to do some pretty strange things on occassion because of it.

Like today, we’re both hurtin’ in our own ways, so he flips off the lights and we sit in the dark with the only lights in the room being the computer monitor that he sits in front of. It’s kinda fun. He left the door open a crack so we wouldn’t be in complete darkness, but I think it helped both our heads until I had to turn on the lights again so I could read my grocery list of things to talk about.

Today’s discussions revolved mostly around my visit to the CPC and my thoughts on the overall experience. After listening to what I had to say, he was sounding a smidge bit concerned when I mentioned to him that they’ve got me on the new anti-d to see if we can rectify this sleep thing. From his point of view, in his practice, he’s pretty open to prescribing stuff if he deems it fit. He seems to find that the CPC is sort of… almost too gung ho about prescribing things as an automatic treatment.

Having said that, since we know what it’s like for me to be experimenting with new medications all the time, he wants me to make sure that if I’m feeling at all uncomfortable with what they want to prescribe to me, to not feel pressured into automatically saying yes and taking stuff just to please them because that’s what they’re recommending for treatment.

The other point was that if I feel that the treatment path they’ve suggested for me just isn’t jiving, to not worry about dropping out. He doesn’t want me to force myself to keep going if I don’t feel there are any beneficial results happening. It would seem that as much as there are advocates for the CPC, there are just as many sceptics who for the most part are keeping mum until the patient finds out for themselves as to whether their methods work.

He is glad that we’re getting another view on things, by people that specialize in this stuff, to see if we can get a better treatment plan, and he does hope that something good comes from it, but like me, he has a little bit of doubt going on.

I guess we’ll see what happens.

After talking about the CPC for quite awhile I mentioned to him that it seems like a lot of my doctors are saying that I’m getting “boring”. Meaning, I’m stable and to just continue going on my merry way as we’ve been doing for the last while. On the one hand, this is a good thing, but at the same time, if things are deemed to be so good, why do I still feeling so crappy all the time? There’s the rub and he totally gets the frustration, confusion and general annoyance I have with being told the same thing over and over again.

So yea. That was basically the whole shebang of the day:
1) Don’t take stuff willy-nilly if I don’t feel comfortable
2) Don’t drag myself to treatment week after week after week if I don’t think it’s working.
3) SALLY still sucks even if she’s not in full-on temper tantrum mode.